Consider Joy

Mom had a life verse as well – Psalm 37:3-4

“Trust in the Lord and do good; live in the land and be safe. Seek your happiness in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

A beautiful verse… I can see immediately why my mom was drawn to it. The essence of her being was good and trusting. She also valued peace, gentleness, kindness, and every other lovely virtue.  She worked very hard at building a beautiful home for her family. Home was a very safe, cozy place for us growing up. Music was always playing in the background. A vanilla candle always burned somewhere.

When I was little, I remember watching her stir a pot of something on the stove. She had hot curlers in her hair. I asked her if she was going somewhere. She gently replied, “No, I just want to look pretty for Daddy when he gets home from work.” Her JOY was in creating an atmosphere of safety and love from where her family could go forth and thrive.

Let’s take a closer look at her verse…

1. Trust –> do good
2. Live –> be safe
3. Seek happiness in the Lord –> and He will give you the desires of your heart.

The key here, is that this is an “IF –>THEN” verse.

First, we need a firm foundation of TRUST in the Lord. Trust is believing wholeheartedly that God is who He says he is, and that God is capable of all He says He is. Then, building on that foundation of trust, we work out what He would have us do – and it’s always GOOD when we live in a state of trust. All that He designed us to be and do is nothing if we don’t have complete trust in a loving God. Mom trusted Him well; even through cancer.

But all that trusting and doing isn’t all there is!  God wants us to LIVE and be SAFE. Living is not just existing. It is abiding in His loving care of us. Knowing to our core that He is enough, and He will provide every drop of what we need. Only when I leave my life in His very capable hands do I truly feel secure. Live in complete reliance on Him and you will be SAFE. Mom abided in Him well; giving her peace and security even through cancer.

Lastly, the most beautiful part: SEEK HAPPINESS in the Lord. Seek means “to go in search off.” It’s active, not passive. Happiness means “a state of well-being and contentment:

JOY.” 

God is saying that IF I actively, daily search for JOY in my relationship with Him – described by Him as:  daily, wholehearted TRUST of Him leading to God-powered WORK; and daily abiding LIFE in Him leading to peace and SAFETY – THEN, and only then, will He give me the desires of my heart.

And it doesn’t say He might… It says He will… 

So that begs the question; what really are the desires of my heart? Earthly prosperity, relief from suffering, world peace come to mind…

Mom took that question very seriously and gave it a lot of thought. She even kept a list of the desires of her heart in the front cover of one of her well-loved and worn Book of Psalms.  Here is her list:

The desires of my heart are that:

• All the dear ones in my family would know, love and seek God.
• My salvation list would come to know and trust you (some random – some not so random unbelievers God put in her path, she prayed for daily).
• Mother would know your peace about her home decision, friends, and health (her mother, also a woman of strong faith, and a “people person”, had a massive stroke and could not read or find meaningful speech to communicate the last 5 years of her life).
• Meg would put you first in her life; that she would learn to lean on you and trust you – protect her from the evil one.
• Lisa would rest in you; that she would have your strength and wisdom for raising kids. That she would find her place of ministry – protect her from the evil one.
• Jeff would rest in the freedom you give him; equip him to serve – protect him from the evil one.
• David (Dad) would continue to grow in you – protect his health.
•  You would show me where to serve and empower me to do so.
• you would give me a daily hunger for you.
• All my grandchildren, nieces and nephews – prepare them, grow them and protect them all to serve you.

The list is fascinating to me. It is reflective of her commitment to seek her happiness in the Lord alone and not the world. Really, mom’s list can be summarized as a prayer:

“Lord, bring all those I have been blessed to know and love into a deeper understanding and relationship with You… Let them know YOUR peace, strength, wisdom and, freedom…in order that they might serve you…Lead us, guide us, empower us and protect us to bring you glory.”

If this prayer is the deepest desire of your heart, then suddenly everything else begins to pale in comparison to knowing our Creator and being in right relationship with Him; even cancer healing pales in comparison.

Unfortunately, I think my own list would be more self-centered!  It’s tempting to tell God what we think we need of Him:  creature comforts, and changes in our circumstances…  What does this say about our hearts? It seems clear that our hearts’ desires directly reflect the extent to which we set our hearts on finding happiness in the Lord alone – trusting Him, abiding in Him.

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.” Colossians 3:1

When our hearts are set on things above, we can rise above an unpredictable and unreliable world; we are released from the bondage of worry and seeking selfish gain; our desires shift, and there is a profound realigning of all our heart’s desires.

I have four children. I have dedicated my life to caring for them, teaching them, protecting them. I pray for my children every day. One thing I pray for, as did my mom for her family, is that they would be protected. I never want to think about any of my children having to face a difficult challenge or hardship (I’m working on my co-dependency issues!).

However, as important as their safety is to me; I have to say that their protection is not actually the deepest desire of my heart.  A desire even deeper than their protection is that God would make them His in every way. Then… should I be praying instead –

“God, make them yours no matter what circumstances you have to allow in their lives.”

Ouch.

But I have to say, “YES, let it be so! No matter what it takes to have them seek their happiness in You, Lord, let it be so”.”I would even hazard to pray that same prayer for myself.

Double ouch.

Lord, bring me into a deeper understanding and relationship with you, God. No matter what it takes…That I might know YOUR peace, strength, wisdom and freedom…in order that I might serve you…Lead me, guide me, empower me and protect me to bring You glory. AMEN

What are the desires of your heart?

God is the creator of life. Some people say he set all things in motion and just walked away –  leaving us on our own to manage and walk through the chaos alone. I know this to be absolutely false. God’s spirit is still moving in and through everything He’s made. He sustains it all and especially us.

I love my kids – all four of them. I hurt when they hurt. I smile when they are happy. I rejoice at their successes; and I cry when they are down. I feel a physical pain when they are suffering. I would do anything for them and desperately want them to be healthy and happy. In light of these deeply rooted “mom passions”, I reflect on this verse

If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better? Matthew 7:9-11 (MSG)

If I, as a fallible human being, can feel the way I do about my children, how does a perfect God feel about me?

Consider another of my favorite verses

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing Zephaniah 3:17

I can’t read this verse without smiling. God is here, in our midst all the time. He is mighty. He saves. That’s all pretty cool! But – what??? He rejoices over us with gladness? He quiets us with His love? He exults over us with loud singing? Wait – what??? God sings!!! And over us….

And let’s define “exult”; frankly, I had to look it up. The definition of exult is: to show or feel elation or jubilation, especially as the result of a success; or triumphant JOY. God feels and shows His triumphant JOY over us with singing. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to hear that one day.

Just because we don’t hear it with our ears here on earth, doesn’t mean we can’t experience it here.

When my mom was suffering day in and day out during her brain cancer journey; we struggled to care for her. How did God feel when he looked down on our circumstances? I believe, for sure, it was with compassion and a longing to quiet our souls.

Do you know how I know this? Throughout the ordeal, He sent us what I like to call “God Kisses” to remind us of His unwavering love. I think He sends us “Kisses” more often than we realize; but, often we are too busy to notice. Sometimes they are big, sometimes they are small – but they should always make you smile.  They remind me of a father’s gentle kiss of comfort on your brow, or a tight squeeze of reassurance. There were many moments of God’s comfort during Mom’s journey.

Here is one story. The story is funny, quirky,  somewhat insignificant in the grand scheme, but also miraculous all at the same time. My mom went to Hawaii with her sisters and mother for a girl’s vacation one summer. My mom was amazed and awed by Hawaii’s indescribably beautiful flowering plants and shrubs; so much so, she tried to bring a little piece of “Hawaii heaven” back to New Jersey with her.

Her favorite purchase on the trip was a plumeria stalk. Plumeria is a flowering plant with delicate, delightfully scented flowers. The blooms are used to make the famous Hawaiian lei necklaces. But when you first get this plant, it literally looks like a stick with a few roots. She planted it in an indoor pot (they’re tropical) and watered and fertilized it faithfully for years. Over maybe 8 years, it grew to be about 7 feet tall. It had lots of leaves, but never a flower in all those years. Until, the first day of Mom’s radiation.

That morning, when I went over to the house, I noticed a different kind of growth at the top of the tall plant – it was almost like a trio of knots (hmmm…a nod to the trinity?…).  As we drove to radiation 5 days a week for 6 weeks, I noticed the knot gradually changing day by day. It wasn’t long before we noticed tiny pink flowers begin popping out. This was October. They usually bloom in the spring for about three months at a time.

Wait for it….. Mom’s previously, 8-year-barren plant, continued putting out little, delicate, sweet scented flowers for an entire year! From October to the following November, that plant kept spitting out “God Kiss” after “kiss” after “kiss”. Flowers would bloom and fall daily. I would pick up the blooms and inhale the scent almost like smelling salts for a weary soul. The simple, unexpected shower of beauty in our very chaotic lives was a balm of comfort.

Every time I picked one up, I had to grin. I could almost feel the lips of God on my forehead; consoling me, cherishing me, strengthening me, cheering me on. I would then take the bloom into Mom, and she would hold it, breath in its heavenly scent – likely reminded of a Hawaiian paradise or better yet, what beauty lay in store for her one day in her Heavenly Father’s paradise.

“God kisses” are like getting an I love you note in your lunchbox; both surprising and soul warming.

The plumeria is my favorite God Kiss story, but there was more. In the spring, it had become harder for mom to get around. She spent a good deal of time in the den on the couch. Conveniently, that spring, a Robin family decided to nest in a bush right in front of the den window. I feel like I can almost hear  God and the Robin having a conversation about it…

God:  “Hey Robin…see that bush down there, ya in New Jersey, ya that yellow house, no not that house, THAT house, yes, Now see that one bush there, that bush by the window, no not that bush over there, THAT one, ya that one, about half-way down the bush,  there is a sturdy V in the branches where you and your family will be safe.”

That strong nest was front and center framed by the den window where Mom could see the new family’s progress daily. It was like a live National Geographic show playing 24/7. Mom watched with avid interest as the nest was built – the bright-blue little eggs were laid- how the mother faithfully sat on them and protected them.

Then in time, those eggs hatched and she watched the little birds grow, so helpless at first – but slowly and surely growing stronger each day. Those little beaks raised to the heavens waiting for the life-giving food their mother would bring time and again.

It couldn’t help but remind us of our Heavenly Father’s gentle, loving care of his own – us.

What made this bird story an even more precious “Kiss” – if it could ever be so – was that the nest wasn’t empty for a few weeks before another family moved in, and we got a complete encore performance. A double blessing of compassion, love, care, encouragement, laughter, JOY… lavished on us in a double-feature showing of the miracle of life.

Are you looking for the “God Kisses” in your life? I believe His love for us is so all encompassing that it just overflows from Him into our lives everyday.

In spite of our circumstances, or maybe especially because of our circumstances; God wants us to know we are cherished and loved. He wants us to know he is constantly cheering us on toward the goal of complete trust in Him.

Sometimes it’s in the little things that we feel those strong, loving arms embrace us, and those gentle, comforting “God Kisses” on our brow. He wants to assure that we know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, He is present. He quiets our souls. He sings over us in triumphant JOY because we belong to Him.~

Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? Matthew 6:26-27

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers–so many caring people in this world.” – Fred Rogers, a.k.a Mr. Rodgers – from Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood

Life is not meant to be lived alone. God created us to be relational beings; in relationship with Him and also in relationship with one another. This is especially true in times of “disaster”. When there is trouble in your life, sometimes it is hard to let others help you. Sometimes when you see someone in trouble, it’s hard to know what to do. Throughout my mom’s brain cancer journey, I saw another God-truth emerge:

When we are helpless and hopeless, we are forced to accept help from others, and others are compelled in a unique way to help and comfort.

It was very humbling for mom to accept the help she needed. However, her helplessness left her no choice. She was emptied of all pride and forced to embrace the helpers; and in turn, this allowed the helpers to be “Jesus with skin on” for her.

During the 14 months of mom’s illness, “helpers” abundantly blessed us. People from Mom and Dad’s church, Mom’s Community Bible Study, Extended family, Friends, Neighbors all jumped in with offers of help. Many people kindly offered to visit or sit with Mom, but that proved very straining on her. When a friend would stop by, she would search and strain for correct words and sentences leaving her frustrated and exhausted.

A gifted relationalist all her life, mom no longer had the ability to ask people her favorite questions, “How are you really? And what has God been doing in your life lately?” I’ve never known anyone who really wanted to know how a person was as much as she did. She cared about people to her core. She would sometimes lose herself interceding for others in prayer for half a day. During the cancer journey, her words and her prayers became fewer and fewer.

BUT that did not mean there was nothing else to be done! “Helpers” rose to the challenge and were selfless in their giving and care. Meals arrived, store runs were made, flowers and little gifts of cheer arrived, and those endless cards and notes! I am certain – not one day in 14 months went by without at least one card arriving in the mail – hundreds of handwritten cards that brought so much encouragement. Cards came from all over New Jersey, many other states, Catalina Island and even England. The funny thing was – Mom was in awe of how many cards she received. She had no idea how many people’s lives she had touched over the years. Through those cards, Mom received the gift of knowing how far reaching her own ministry to others had been.

Other “helpers” became prayer warriors on her behalf. Even up to the end we believed it was entirely possible for God to miraculously heal her. I know that many of the prayer warriors shared that same confidence and faithfully prayed for complete healing. Daily, as she and the family were prayed for, we felt lifted up – almost as if floating on a cloud of prayer. Healing never came, but strength for each day did. Mom also rarely had any pain for most of the 14 months. This seemed to surprise the doctors, but we saw God’s hand holding the pain at bay.

Then there were mini miracles, God-sent “helpers” who were thrust into our circumstances by divine intervention.

A neurosurgeon who told us he was a believer too. He even prayed – out loud – for Mom and our family in the pre-op room moments before he was going in to take out a piece of her skull and biopsy her brain. His care was expert, and he exuded God’s gentle love with the difficult diagnosis.

An oncology nurse at the hospital, who had been in a prayer group with Mom decades ago, became our inside source when we had extra questions or concerns. I know she took extra special care of us and prayed for healing, grace, and peace. She also cried tears of compassion when the oncologist gave us the news it was time to stop chemo and begin hospice.

Then there was us…just normal us….

I know that God supernaturally prepared our immediate family in advance for all we would do to help Mom along her end-of-life journey. God even tells us so in Ephesians 2:10.

“We are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

There’s that allusion to the timelessness of God again! God prepared our good work in advance of us ever knowing or considering what that might be. There is no telling what all God may have in store for us! But because God makes us and God makes the good work, we can be confident we will be perfectly suited to the tasks we’re called to.

What an encouragement this is, what a peace it brings, what JOY!

And here is the evidence….
Dad was the rock of the family. A devoted husband and father for 45 years – always there, trustworthy, a faithful supporter. He was Vice President of an engineering firm, yet he retired early from his successful career to take on the daily challenge of Mom’s care. His highly organized “engineer” brain learned quickly how to manage medications as well as manage the home and cooking which Mom had done for 45 years. There was nothing that man did not do! It was truly amazing and something that could only be attributed to the strength of God empowering him every day.

Then there was me. Conveniently, 13 years before, God placed my family in a home 5 minutes down the road from my parent’s home; so it was logical and practical that I become very involved. I also have a nursing degree that prepared me to do hands-on help with wound care and other nursing tasks Dad was not comfortable with. I was able to help take mom to doctor appointments and help make medical decisions about her treatment plan. Like dad, I am a planner and a doer. We had Mom’s days organized and run like a well-oiled machine. Dad always said, “Plan the work and work the plan”. Again, God had laid the perfect groundwork for the good work we would need to do.

Thankfully, “working the plan” day in and day out was not all God had planned. God blessed our family over-and-above with my brother Jeff, who is a pastor. He came over frequently and faithfully to do the good work God prepared in advance for him. Jeff is very different from Dad and me. He is a peacemaker like Mom and gifted with a passion for song. He brought the comforting spirit of the Lord into our routine with his music. He played hymns and sang with Mom while she hummed. You could see her sweet spirit light up whenever Jeff was around. He would also patiently sit with her; looking at pictures from old family photo albums. If it were just up to dad and me to be Mom’s immediate helpers, something would have been drastically missing. God knew that when He made my brother Jeff.

Wait – there’s more. And because God is not just good, but VERY good, He also gave us my sister, Meghan. Meghan lives in Maryland. It wasn’t easy for her to bring her husband and family of three young, rambunctious boys 4 hours north to New Jersey. Yet, she made the trek over and over. She barely had the kids out of the car at my house before she was running over to Mom’s to be with her. Mom and Meg have always had a special connection. Many times, I would find my sister just snuggled in bed with mom, eating cookies with her, or just holding her hand. I know Mom worried most about Meghan under the circumstances because of Meg’s tender heart. How would she cope? Well, it became evident very quickly that Meg would follow Mom’s lead and trust God in all things – even to the point of faithfully updating an online journal so others would know what was going on and how to pray. She always included just the right scripture with the journal entry and love flowed through her words for both God and Mom.

God had it all planned out from the beginning; from before we ever imagined there would be a need.

Every day was hard, but they were made easier by the joining of our individual strengths.

Dad – the “brain”.
Me – the “brawn”.
Jeff – the “spirit” and
Meghan – the “heart”.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God perfectly prepared each of us to do our part through Mom’s cancer journey. He called her home to be with him sooner than I would have liked, but He is the author of this story we call life. He is the Creator, the Designer, the Preparer of good works. He is the Helper of the helpers. It was a privilege to be a helper during mom’s final days here. It is a continual JOY to know His perfect care, plan, and provision for us. And a special JOY to know the hands that faithfully prepared my family for such a time as this, will also lovingly embrace us in glory one day.

I have a life verse- Most of you probably have one also – you know that verse – when you first read it – it jumped out at you; you had no trouble memorizing it, and it comes back to mind very frequently…. God gave me mine when I was 16…

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Actually, at 16, I don’t think I had any idea what that verse actually meant! But over the years I have learned it well.

I became intimately acquainted with this verse beginning September 2013 when my mother, friend, and spiritual mentor was diagnosed with brain cancer. She was a special woman: An ardent peacemaker, with a lovely smile, a genuine friend, unconditionally loving people and fervently praying them into the kingdom of God. She had a way about her, rare in today’s modern world of looking into a person with genuine interest. She noticed everyone God brought across her path: the checker at the grocery store, the lonely elderly man fishing on the pier, the insecure new mother at the playground. She befriended many. She had a unique ability to see people as God saw them. To her, everyone was beautiful, deserving and valuable. What happens when you spend time with someone like her is – you begin to see yourself as she saw you; therefore also as God sees you.

She used to spend hours studying the Bible and memorizing scripture. The summer before she got sick, she was studying the book of Isaiah. The way she approached study was very simple. She would pray, then open God’s word. As she read, she would take note of what God revealed to her in two columns… 1) What does this say about God and 2) What does this say about me? She loved to get all the fluff and stuff out of the way and really focus on the truth of who God said He was/is, and who he said she was. And I think the fruit of her life was an overflow of her knowledge of just how BIG God is and how He loved and cherished her.

What do WE know to be true about God’s character?

Every time Mom would come across a word describing God in her readings she would write it in the front of her Bible. Two pages are absolutely covered with names describing who the Bible told her God is: Creator, Counselor, Savior, Strength, Shepherd, Hiding place, Shelter, Light of life, Rock, Eye of the Storm! These are just a few of the many she found, and every new aspect of God’s character she found enriched her understanding and confidence in God. He is so big and all encompassing. We can really not begin to comprehend the whole of all he is. But it feels wonderful just letting all of who He is wash over you. God is faithful to all His attributes all the time. He is never changing. Best of all, He promises infinite benefits for knowing and calling on His name – salvation, forgiveness, help, guidance, protection, perseverance, and so much more. It is essential to know the names of God.

In fact, I would even venture to say that the joy and confidence with which we face trials, is in direct proportion to how much we believe God is all He says He is.

Then, what do WE know to be true about us as believers? God tells us very clearly in scripture who He says we are:

Ps.45:11– Beautiful, Jer.31:3– Loved, Eph.2:10– Special, Jer.29:11– Created for a purpose, Eph.3:17– Cared for, Dan.12:3– Lovely, ICor.6:20– Precious, Ps.68:35– Strong, 1Pet.2:9– Important, Ps. 103:12– Forgiven, 2Cor.5:17- A new creation, Ps.121:3– Protected, Phil. 4:13– Empowered, Jn. 15:16- Chosen, Ps.43:1– You are mine.

Again, these are some of my favorites; and just a fraction of what God reveals to us in His word. A woman named Sylvia Gunter has an organization called, The Father’s Business. They put out some neat booklets. One is called, He is the I am.  It lists 365 names of God. Another is called, Who I am in Christ. It has pages of promises with scripture about who God says we are in Him as believers.

In her intro to the, He is the I am, Sylvia Gunter writes,

“The two most important truths every believer needs to know are who God is and who they are in Him. Who God is comes first, because our lives will reflect the God we know.”

We need to realize that God is ALL He says He is, ALL the time. It is crucial to wrap our minds around these truths and internalize them – cling to them. In turn, it gives us the perfect lens to view life through.

Mom had a favorite saying, “The best place to be is helpless and hopeless.” She believed this because only when we are in this state, do we truly rely on God alone. My sister told me about a conversation she and mom had right before Mom got sick; mom said that her faith had lost some of its “zest”,  AND She was praying that God would send her something to shake up her faith! You can’t have a favorite saying like “Helpless and Hopeless is the best” and then pray that prayer!!!! Right????

As I said earlier, Mom was also very committed to memorizing passages of scripture. She always complained that her feeble mind wasn’t very good at memorizing, but she was committed. She would write the passage on a note card and carry it with her running over it often throughout the day. That last summer, here is what her card read…

I took you from the ends of the earth; from its farthest corners, I called you. I said you are my servant; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 40:8-10

Love, God (Smiley face)

Such a perfect verse to show God’s promise of life purpose, being chosen by Him, His comfort – cheer – encouragement and of God’s personal care! Does this mean God will solve all our earthly problems? No! but to be held in His righteous hand is an invitation to trust Him without any reservation, even unto the end of THIS life.

Well, in late summer, Mom started forgetting little things and began to have strange feelings of unease. Then, on Labor Day of 2013, she had what we later realized was a seizure which caused her to suddenly have complete speech arrest. MRI showed a “Mass effect” next to her thalamus with radiating fingers throughout the left side of the brain. Steroids and anti-seizure meds decreased the swelling in her brain and about 75% of her speech came back within the week. Writing and reading were also compromised. Next, a brain biopsy confirmed that it was an inoperable stage III tumor: Astrocytoma

If I had known half of how difficult it would be, I think I would have run! But God gives you strength for the day, no more, no less, and we learned to rely on Him day by day.

*Through the daily chemo and radiation which made her weak and nauseous and her beautiful hair to thin.

*Through steroids that made her face swell, skin to thin and hip muscles to weaken – which caused falls, bruising and torn skin, which wouldn’t heal.

*Through anti-seizure meds that helped lessen the seizures, but made her foggy and more confused.

*Through persistent seizures that robbed her more and more of speech, the ability to read and comprehend.

*Through blood clots in both legs that necessitated blood thinning shots in the stomach – and more bruising.

*Through a case of shingles brought on by the stress of the illness, which caused itchy sores all over her neck.

*Through decreased mobility and independence eventually necessitating a wheelchair and a hospital bed in the den.

*Through eventually, diapers, oxygen, and morphine…

She became the definition of helpless. Yet – she was NOT hopeless because she had spent so much of her life hiding God’s word in her heart and reflecting on the truth of God’s character and who He said she was. Often she would smile and shake her head, sometimes she would manage to say, “I wonder why?” It wasn’t a why me…but a, “I wonder what God is doing or going to do through this.”

In addition to the physical consequences of her disease, her life was altered in profound other ways as well. Mom was a huge talker and a people person. She was relational to her core. Can you imagine someone like HER not being able to talk in full sentences for a year? Not being able to communicate her thoughts and feelings? Not being able to ask how YOU are? Not being able to read the bible or pray? Her life spun a complete 180deg.

Once I asked her if she regretted anything in her life or if she wished she had done anything differently, she said simply and gently, “No”… she was completely content, at rest in the fact that God had ordained all her days.

Listen to this verse out of Psalms 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; AND ALL THE DAYS ORDAINED FOR ME WERE WRITTEN IN YOUR BOOK BEFORE ONE OF THEM CAME TO BE.

That’s a big verse. It alludes to a timelessness. God exists apart from time. He was there to knit us together; and all our days are ordained and written in His book – when we’re born, when we die and all the days in between. He is standing on the other side of time to welcome us back home to Him. I believe that God saw the last 15 months of my mom’s life when he knit her together. Before she was born that last chapter was already written. From a human standpoint, it’s hard to fathom. But from His standpoint, it makes perfect sense. His concern is less for our earthly pleasure, but more for letting our earthly experiences, however difficult, draw us to Him.

And resting in this truth, Mom and I did experience joy throughout the trial of her illness…

We had our “Spa days” when I would shower her, fix her hair and paint her nails. She always motioned for me not to brush too hard; she did not want to lose her beautiful hair! She did lose most of it in the end, but not her signature bangs!!

One of the hardest things to see was that mom could no longer read and study God’s word as she had loved to. She could not recall all the scripture she had so diligently memorized.  Interesting…the one thing God did not take from her was her ability to sing harmony. Even toward the end, I would wheel her outside into the sunshine and bring a hymnal. I would flip randomly through and sing hymn by hymn. And she would hum in harmony. After each song, I would pick ideas out of the song and tell her,

“ It says here that God is faithful and that He loves you. Do you know that?” and she would simply say, “That’s true.”

The next song might say God is merciful and mighty…”That’s true”,

the next, Savior and friend…”That’s true”,

and the next, Jesus is coming again, “That’s true.”

Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so…. Do you believe that Ma? ”That’s true”….

God saw all her days before one of them came to be, even cancer.

One time after getting mom ready for bed a few months before she died, she looked at me and said in a rare moment of clarity…”Imagine if you were me?”…. I replied, ”I would rather be hit by a truck.” She simply said, “me too.” And I reminded her gently that a truck did not seem to be in God’s plan for her. She smiled sweetly and closed her eyes, resting in the fact that if God had allowed this to be a part of His plan, it was a mystery she would have to accept.

Often, when I would leave her all tucked in for the night, I would tell her “See you tomorrow unless God calls you home or Jesus comes again”. She would always smile. 

God brought her home to him November 17th 2014, after 14 months of illness. Her body was ravaged and worn out. The last few days, she wasn’t really aware of anything. The night she died it poured rain. And as I drove over to the house after getting the call from my dad, I cried tears of relief and joy that she was home at last. And I felt that God was crying tears of joy from heaven as he embraced her in his arms. I don’t really even feel that my Mom is gone. Her beautiful soul exists just as it always did. Now it’s just in heaven with a new body and unconfined by time and earth. And I can’t wait to see her again.

I am so thankful to God for a mom who modeled peace and acceptance and pure unwavering trust in her Lord. In the end, nothing really matters but that our hearts are surrendered to all that He is. And when they are surrendered, we find our purpose in glorifying Him and enJOYing Him forever.

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